The No Pie Left Behind Act of 2008 should ensure that each piece of pie gets our full attention. I and my colleagues in the Pieous Party take our roles very seriously, and believe in the equality of all pies, no matter the color of their fillings or the shape of their crusts. My friends, do you hear the slice of Pumpkin calling for equanimity from the fridge, or the slices of Pecan struggling amidst sheets of foil on the countertops? Well, I do. And I intend to do something about it. Right now! This very minute!
I ask you to join with me to fight against this stain on our society. We must work to lift up these disadvantaged pies by setting measurable goals for pie consumption each week. If we work with this end in mind, we can be rest assured that neither little Cherry Crumble from Nebraska, nor Strawberry Rhubarb from Idaho, nor Southern Pecan from Texas will find themselves falling further behind their more fortunate peers. We advocate the equal distribution of whipped cream and coffee to give all pies the help they need to acheive consumption.
Tonight, my fellow citizens, I urge you to not only ask the question "Is it Pie time?" but to make the commitment to Pieousness by responding with vigor that "Yes! It is high time for Pie time!"